A skill that I’m mastering, is to stop caring so much of what people may or may not think of me and, stop giving energy to negative thoughts/ imagination I may have myself. I know it’s easier said than done, but most good things require work and perseverance.
Lately, I’ve understood why I cared so much of what others thought of me and, why I needed their opinions, it stemmed from emotional offenses from my childhood.
When I was child, I honestly didn’t get the validation and acceptance I needed from those that valued the most to me – my family. The results of constantly being invalidated caused my heart to grow cold and insecure. I lived with a lot of hate inside my emotions and it wasn’t until counseling and my faith, that I was able to overcome my insecurity and hard heart. Unfortunately, the incidents of my past shaped and molded my existence. For example, I had trust issues and was leery of anyone that said they loved me, since everyone that said they loved hurt me. My erroneous child mindset, believed that loved equal hurt, as in, the people who loved me will hurt me. So to protect myself, I won’t allow myself to feel (ignore my emotions until they die) and, if I sense someone is about to care for me, distance myself from them immediately. Consequently, I also grew up with the inability to forgive and let things go and, I blamed others for my faults, etc. This predicament meant I didn’t know how to foster emotionally healthy relationships, and so, I was the person that was emotionally isolated and yet, looked like I had all together. Mask off vs. mask on.
Eventually, I became tired of being emotionally unhealthy. Especially when I read my bible and it would speak of freedom and, having love, peace and a sound mind. Also the mentioning of how I’m beautiful and wonderfully made, went aggressively against my thoughts of myself and I began to wonder why.
To remedy why I couldn’t believe the beautiful words of the Bible, family, and friends concerning myself, I began to meditate and explore the depths of my emotions and, that’s when I faced the offenses and trauma of my past. In meditation I saw my childhood self hurting, with rage and anger. Honestly, I shocked myself at this discovery. But, to be healed of this I had to let it go (so much writing and tears here), I had to be the person I needed when I was a child.
I also reconciled the fact that the people that hurt me in my past may never admit they hurt me. That because they felt it was the right thing at the time and, they did their best with the knowledge they had, that everything is/was fine – trust it’s not – but, I had to make peace with that.
Getting peace and power within my emotions has empowered me. I’m practicing forgiveness, not living in the past – real or imagined – and letting things go (good and bad). By processing and acknowledging every thought and emotion, I’m gaining power and, I’m mastering the ability to stop caring about other people thoughts and opinions of myself and, learning to live. The key to stop caring about what other people’s opinions is having strong self-love. That’s the shield to the nonsense in this world. I couldn’t have love and unforgiviness too, so I forgave.
Listen, life is to short or long, to hold on to toxic past thoughts, relationships, and societal nonsense. That said, I encourage you to meditate and, weigh your emotions and thoughts to see if they add to you or, take away from you.
Love and peace my friend.
Side bar: I can only make posts on my phone until I get my new laptop, so these posts will be short and very infrequent. But if you want to help me get my new laptop then please consider supporting my gofundme @ gofundme.com/lethompson. Now that I’ve promo’d me, I hope you enjoyed the is post.