Being The Best Me Is A Daily Choice And Act

Hey beautiful readers,

Something occurred to me today and I realized that I do a lot of things to make other people feel comfortable. I don’t like making others feel uncomfortable and for a long time, I believed it was my burden to not make other people feel uncomfortable. I victim blamed myself and did my best to conform to social and family unspoken requests of how I ought to perform for their comforts. But recently, I have come to understand that other people’s discomfort is not my burden to bear, but it is a hard habit to kick. I am frequently encouraging myself to be free by reminding myself that it is not my fault that someone is being triggered by existence; that the onus of comfort is on the triggered party; and I have to discipline my thoughts, emotions, and belief to be positive about my existence. I’m practicing and mastering the freedom to be myself even if I suspect that someone is uncomfortable with my existence. Yes, the internalized oppression is real, but I’m undoing the self-harm; the journey has been tumultuous and rewarding. That said, I now wonder how many people live for the perception of others? It really is a perception since we cannot read people’s minds and I would argue that a lot of my perceptions of a situation stemmed from projecting negative thoughts that I held about myself onto other people and situations – I suspect that is true for many people.

 

Thus, what does this mean in the scope and construction of identity? I think it means we are constantly changing and evolving. I think it builds character and integrity for those of us that can confront out unhealthy habits and overcome them, while for those that cannot, I think it can lead to deeper self-oppression and mental and, emotional illness – in my opinion.

 

So, as I have become privy to my self-harm practices via internalized rejection and hatred, I had to face my demons and ask myself, why do I think this, then allow the reasons to come to my conscious via a replaying of the words, thoughts, and images, that I believed in that created the emotional, mental, and physical prison and torture that I was in. To gain my freedom, I meditate daily and utilize my Christian faith daily, as in, believing I’m wonderfully and beautifully made; God did not give me a spirit of fear, but God gave me a spirit of love, faith, and a sound mind. Mastering the utilizations of both techniques to overcome life challenges that push my limitations and strengthen me is the key to my freedom. I have also learned to respect my limitations and honor myself by not allowing negative energy to dwell in my, nor in my atmosphere and, I respect myself by not being a trash can for negativity or anyone else’s negative energy. And interesting enough, daily practicing of these skills has helped me to be a better friend, sibling, daughter, adult, and stranger – being a better human being is a prayer that I often pray for myself and put into practice daily.

 

That said, I think it is important to check in with oneself regularly; I think it is important to question our thoughts, emotions, and actions; I also think it is important to master choosing positive thinking and speaking positive words because that is not natural for a lot of people.

 

So, I hope you enjoyed this post; my goal is to post new posts every second and fourth week. If there is a topic that you want me to give my thoughts about, then shoot me a message.

 

Love and be dope.

 

 

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Words.

Question, can we have a honest discussion about words? Can we discuss how words can literally make or break someone; and I’m not just talking about their day, but it can affect their reality.

Over the last few weeks I’ve read articles about young people taking their lives due to school bullying and, I know kids can be terrible hell creatures if left unchecked, but I wonder about the words those young people were getting or not getting from their homes – the original support system, or maybe the lack thereof. I think about how adults dismiss young people’s realities and pain, or worst, try to compare their adult hardship to the youth and in doing so dismiss the youth’s reality altogether. That type of rejection is painful and many people do not recover from it.

 

Then today, as I was waiting for the bus, I felt myself grappling with my level of discontent for life. I don’t believe in Monday morning blues or situational depression, I’m of the thought, that if I’m blue or sad and it keeps occurring then something is wrong and I need to self-check to find out. So, today I self-checked as I was on the bus and, I discovered the reason why I was frustrated and discontented because I allowed negative thinking to proceed unchecked. The thoughts I labeled innocuous because I didn’t see any harm from their negativity since I agreed with them were actually killing my vibe and doing damage to my mental health in subtle ways. The thoughts in question, that said this job sucks; this life sucks; I should do more and be more, that I’m entitled to more, type of thoughts, were creating a heavy weight on me that was becoming noticeably heavy in my mind, that it was beginning to affect my actions, and that made me upset.

See, I was upset because controlling my thoughts and keeping a positive thought atmosphere is important to me and, I acknowledge the vitality of keeping a positive and healthy thought life to prevent depression. As I’ve become aware to the benefits of keeping a positive mind and the joy that comes with it, I have become less patient to entertaining negative thinking and situations. So I came to my tipping point where I needed to make changes because carrying the weight of depression because I was frustrated about things I didn’t have while actively sabotaging the things I have because I could not appreciate them, was the reality check I needed to bring myself back to myself to make the necessary mental changes to create the positive mental reality.

 

Gaining this skill has helped me to realize, that the energy through words that I put in the world matters, this includes thoughts and verbal words. And I think many people don’t understand that, and that’s why it’s easy for so many people to be violent and/or reckless with their words. Especially, when people hurl their words at people on the Internet.

 

Because at the end of the day words hurt and that pain can last a lifetime if left unresolved, while on the other hand, words can inspire and uplift, and this too can last a lifetime. What I’ve learned is, it’s up to the individual to put the work in to cultivate their headspace and reality, and it can be a lot of work and the work can be painful. In the same token, it’s up to us to create boundaries to protect ourselves from negative thoughts and people – and there’s nothing wrong with that. Because the work to achieve mental health, mental clarity and peace is a hard process and it’s not worth undoing by miserable people.

In Other News, Being Black is now a Domestic Terror, meanwhile, ​white terrorism gets a past.

 

Hey beautiful readers,

Can I be real with you for a second and talk about the current U.S political racial state? I can, thanks!

Unless you’ve been living underneath a rock, you should be somewhat aware of the police state that is the U.S. In recent weeks, we’ve watched and read as civil liberties for minority groups are being stripped away. And the most recent phenomenon is the FBI updated the domestic terrorist list now including Black identity extremists. As if being a Black person that holds the state accountable is being extreme; meanwhile white terrorism by lone wolves that truly reflect many white people’s sentiments of violent xenophobia of people that are not like them continues to go unchecked.

Ah yes, America, where people’s nostalgia for racism, sexism, lynch mobbing and milkshakes seems timeless.

But let us unpack extremists and terrorist shall we. First, this stance by the FBI isn’t new, set aside your warped understanding of the Black Panther and Black civil rights leaders, to understand that the FBI went after Black civil right leaders and fought to prevent what Edgar J. Hoover referred to as the Black Messiah – a black leader that could rally the Black community against the oppressive and fascist state set again Black people – Black Americans. That legacy continues as Black leaders in various communities are beginning to organize to heal, advocate, and fight against injustices for the Black community, LGBTQ community, disabled community, and every other oppressed community that is not white, that is not hetero-normative, and that is not able-bodied.

For your information, a person can be Black, disabled, not-heteronormative, and educated at the same time, see why Black organizers stand-up for everyone, not back to our scheduled reading.

But is advocating for the voiceless and holding a nation accountable for their core values that are supposed to include and reflect unity and inclusion, extreme?

I think not.

 

Unpacking extremism and terrorism: First off extremist is: advocacy of extreme measures or views (Webster dictionary). So, Black folks advocating their civil liberties and justice in a extreme matter this literally holding the state accountable for their actions while demanding they do better is extreme, and worthy of reprimanding. Meanwhile terrorism is: the systematic use of terror, terror is: a state of fear; a cause of anxiety; one that inspires fear; basically they entire U.S police state, political state, and a litany of white people against Black people and other people of color.

So, Black people advocating for their civil liberties and justice in an extreme matter that is,  holding the state accountable for their actions, while demanding they do better is extreme and worthy of reprimand; at least according to the FBI.

Meanwhile, terrorism is the systematic use of terror; terror is a state of fear; a cause of anxiety; one that inspires fear (according to Webster dictionary); basically the entire U.S police state, political state, and a litany of white people against Black people and other people of color is a legacy of terror, of terrorism.

Now listen, I’m not here to argue semantics, but the reality is, we control the reality we live in and, if people in power and, people that benefit from a society that rewards one group of people at the expense of another continues to go unchecked, then what will become of us. Think about it, how long will it be before the state come for the next group of people that stands up for their human rights and liberties, and that might include you reader.

 

 

It’s Been Awhile, But I’m Back Tho: I’m mastering the art of healing.

Hey, beautiful readers, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, I’ve been growing and healing; but I’m back and, the goal is to post at least twice a month. So without further a due, let’s get into this.

Recently, I had a heartfelt conversation with my mom about my struggles of being non-conforming. I told her, being non-conforming is painful because I’m aware of how my existence constantly triggers people. Later, I realized that the pain of triggering strangers and loved ones was due to me blaming myself for their feelings towards me. I felt that it was my fault that people had adverse feeling and opinions of me, thus the onus to create peace was on me.

 

Yeah, that’s a lie.

 

So, through much meditation and prayer, I realized that blaming myself for how other people treated me stemmed from unresolved and unprocessed experiences from my childhood, that I subconsciously was holding onto. I have blamed myself for other people’s emotions and actions towards me since I can remember and, I have played fixer and peacemaker since I was a child – a role I should never have taken up, but I did not know better. So when the realization hit me, that I was trying to appease the hurt child in me – my unresolved hurt feelings of emotional rejection and abandonment – I understood that I had to make the choice to face my past and let it go. I had to make the choice to understand that it was not my fault and that people can be trash, and I have to forgive them, pray for them, and let them go. I also had to take ownership of my choices, that I chose to blame myself and take on a burden of being peacemaker and fixer via attempting to conform to the norms of my surroundings – true, I made that choice out of ignorance, but I made the choice and I had to chose to make the choice to not be that person anymore.

 

That said, I understand that life is a series of choices – cliché, I know. Every choice, albeit willful or ignorant has consequences and, when I learned that I made a bad choice, no matter how ignorant, I have to take up the responsibility to fix it. So, I’m working and processing to make peace with who I am, a social non-conforming adult that many people and places have an issue with; however, I’m learning to not care about what other people think of me. That gem of existing is being fortified by allowing myself to heal by asking my self the tough question of, why do I care about other people’s opinions of me? As I ask myself that question, I allow myself to confront that pain to embrace it and love it away. That’s revolutionary love and self-care. It’s also apart of the reason to why I’ve been gone for a while.

 

But as previously stated, I’m back and I’ll be around for a while.

 

Thanks for reading.

Stop Holding On To The Nonsense, It’s Probably Hurting You. 

A skill that I’m mastering, is to stop caring so much of what people may or may not think of me and, stop giving energy to negative thoughts/ imagination I may have myself. I know it’s easier said than done, but most good things require work and perseverance. 
Lately, I’ve understood why I cared so much of what others thought of me and, why I needed their opinions, it stemmed from emotional offenses from my childhood. 
When I was child, I honestly didn’t get the validation and acceptance I needed from those that valued the most to me – my family. The results of constantly being invalidated caused my heart to grow cold and insecure. I lived with a lot of hate inside my emotions and it wasn’t until counseling and my faith, that I was able to overcome my insecurity and hard heart. Unfortunately, the incidents of my past shaped and molded my existence. For example, I had trust issues and was leery of anyone that said they loved me, since everyone that said they loved hurt me. My erroneous child mindset, believed that loved equal hurt, as in, the people who loved me will hurt me. So to protect myself, I won’t allow myself to feel (ignore my emotions until they die) and, if I sense someone is about to care for me, distance myself from them immediately. Consequently, I also grew up with the inability to forgive and let things go and, I blamed others for my faults, etc. This predicament meant I didn’t know how to foster emotionally healthy relationships, and so, I was the person that was emotionally isolated and yet, looked like I had all together. Mask off vs. mask on. 
Eventually, I became tired of being emotionally unhealthy. Especially when I read my bible and it would speak of freedom and, having love, peace and a sound mind. Also the mentioning of how I’m beautiful and wonderfully made, went aggressively against my thoughts of myself and I began to wonder why. 
To remedy why I couldn’t believe the beautiful words of the Bible, family, and friends concerning myself, I began to meditate and explore the depths of my emotions and, that’s when I faced the offenses and trauma of my past. In meditation I saw my childhood self hurting, with rage and anger. Honestly, I shocked myself at this discovery. But, to be healed of this I had to let it go (so much writing and tears here), I had to be the person I needed when I was a child. 
I also reconciled the fact that the people that hurt me in my past may never admit they hurt me. That because they felt it was the right thing at the time and, they did their best with the knowledge they had, that everything is/was fine – trust it’s not – but, I had to make peace with that. 

Getting peace and power within my emotions has empowered me. I’m practicing forgiveness, not living in the past – real or imagined – and letting things go (good and bad). By processing and acknowledging every thought and emotion, I’m gaining power and, I’m mastering the ability to stop caring about other people thoughts and opinions of myself and, learning to live. The key to stop caring about what other people’s opinions is having strong self-love. That’s the shield to the nonsense in this world. I couldn’t have love and unforgiviness too, so I forgave. 

Listen, life is to short or long, to hold on to toxic past thoughts, relationships, and societal nonsense. That said, I encourage you to meditate and, weigh your emotions and thoughts to see if they add to you or, take away from you. 
Love and peace my friend. 
Side bar: I can only make posts on my phone until I get my new laptop, so these posts will be short and very infrequent. But if you want to help me get my new laptop then please consider supporting my gofundme @ gofundme.com/lethompson. Now that I’ve promo’d me, I hope you enjoyed the is post. 

Community Matters

The gravity of the statement, “community matters”, has gained more weight in my life. Recently I started a gofundme (www.gofundme.com/lethompson), to ask for support to purchase a new mac laptop since my hardware is ancient and is no longer supported by software developers and, the result of starting that gofundme has been phenomenal. It’s been a little over a week and I’m a little over a third into completing my goal. That said, I’ve been genuinely surprise with the love and support that I’m experiencing in this venture. Many people have shared, liked, and some have donated – and I’m sure others will too – but the fact that my friends, my people, are doing this for me is mind-blowing.

It’s mind blowing because I was raised to not ask or receive help, so to get it is someone shell-shocking to me – in a good way. My family and for many people who grew up Black, I was taught to never be vulnerable. Emotional intellect was lacking from my upbringing. I think growing up where my mother had to work eighty plus hours a week to take care of my sister and I, didn’t leave much room to care about our emotional development. In addition my mother was abused as a child and didn’t learn the skills to be loving, kind, and warm that translated as love and kindness. Don’t get me wrong, my mom and my dad were there for me financially, I didn’t want for anything, but when it came to validating me, lifting me up, having me to feel and believe that I could do anything, well, it wasn’t there. And I hated them and my family for that lack for a long time. It wasn’t until I got out of my own traumatic emotional experience(s) of my past that I was able to see the truth, the truth being they didn’t know how to be vulnerable; they didn’t know how to lean on people for support; both of my parents had a grit your teeth and take it, mentality. Thus, it wasn’t until I became an adult and started practicing my faith that I learned to let go of destructive habits. I learned that pride is hell of a drug and for my parents, their pride was through the roof – hence, the not leaning on anyone – but God through his word has taught me to not be prideful and heck, to not lean on my own understanding, but to acknowledge God in all my ways. That said, I’ve learned to let me pride go – the pride that said I had to do everything on my own – purchase this laptop on my own – I reached out.

In this endeavor, I am allowing myself to experience love and support. And I truly mean allowing myself to experience it, because while it was always around, I never allowed myself to experience being supported – not truly. But I am now, and now, I understand the importance of community.

Community doesn’t have to be a large group of people; community as I’ve experienced it and will define it is, people being there to support me when I’m in a low space and a high space. My community hold me accountable and isn’t afraid to tell me I’m being messy; my community isn’t afraid to love and be affectionate; my community possess strong emotional intelligence; and I’ve been doing a disservice to myself by not being honest in my community when I’m in a low space – e.g. financially, emotionally, mentally.

That said, I encourage everyone to cultivate their community. Most time it means letting people go and letting new people in – yes, you need new friends, despite what Drake would have you believe – because think about this, if people aren’t making me a better person and I’m not making them a better person, then why are we in each other’s community?

Peace and Love